We all know the feeling: You’re in the throes of some epic grudge match against a fellow court rat and you’re both pumped. In your mind it’s the fifth-set tiebreak at the U.S. Open and the tension is exquisite. You’re playing out of your mind. In fact, you’re fairly sure that if Nick Bollettieri himself were to walk by the fence at this very moment, he would give some discreet nod to an IMG flunkie and you and your opponent would both be placed on full scholarships. “I don’t usually sign 30-year-olds with suspect movement and nonexistent volleys,” Nick would probably say, flashing that unnervingly white smile. “But these hot shots are wasted in the corporate world. They should be on tour.”
And then a bell rings and the fantasy is abruptly punctured by the sight of two once-a-summer tennis dilettantes approaching the court, getting ready to kick you off. In their hands they carry racquets that look like they might have been endorsed by Ken Rosewall or someone else who played in black and white. They don’t even have tennis bags, you think to yourself. They are planning to stink up your own personal Arthur Ashe Stadium with a hit-and-giggle, and there’s nothing you can do.
Sound familiar? Unlike basketball, handball and other sports played at public facilities, tennis operates on purely on a sign-in basis. There is no “play you for the court” in our beautiful game. Players like Monica Seles, who practiced on public courts after her acrimonious departure from Bollettieri’s academy in 1990, get exactly the same priority as that girl who is just looking for an excuse to try out her new Stella McCartney tennis outfit. We’re supposed to embrace this inclusive USTA-endorsed idea that it’s great that “everyone” is playing the game, but the reality is that it’s galling to have to stop hitting to make room for the underarm serve brigade. It seems counterintuitive that protocol requires you to cede ground to vastly inferior players. Especially when it happens at courts that you’ve sweated, wept and very possibly bled upon.
With that in mind and with the outdoor season approaching, I thought I’d give all of you court rats some tips on overthrowing this unjust tennis democracy and sneakily commandeering your local facilities. To those who are just learning the game—sorry, but you’ll thank me when you’re better.
1. Befriend the court attendants. The first thing you need to do is give a small “financial incentive” (please don’t call it a bribe) to the park attendants. These underpaid, overworked souls almost certainly loathe tennis (have you ever seen any of them actually play?) and their “office” is probably a run-down “clubhouse” that “smells like tinkle.” They consider tennis players to be spoiled preppies and really do not care that your dedication to the game should entitle you to priority on court time. Befriend them; learn their names, cross their palms with silver. Then they might start to care.
2. Enlist the unemployed. You know how many brokers boast about being able to make the best of an economic downturn? As a tennis player you can do the same. There are, sadly, ever more unemployed players who now have the time to play for hours. These people are your allies. They can personally sign you up for courts in advance, giving you a valuable jump on the chaotic afterwork rush.
3. Apply some pressure. Contrary to popular belief, certain underarm servers do have a conscience. If you engage in skilful games of mini-tennis just behind the fence at the back of their court, you can subtly convey the message that better players are chomping at the bit. Obnoxious? Certainly. Effective? Definitely.
4. School ’em off the court. While a bald “play you for the court” is unlikely to get you far, a roundabout way of achieving the same result is to ask the hit-and-gigglers if they would care for a game of doubles. Usually if you can provide a less skilled pair with a better workout than they would get with each other they might be more amenable to allowing you to have the court early.
Finally, it should be noted that the corollary to all of this is that you can’t expect others to give way to a better player if you’re not prepared to give way yourself. A skill-based tennis meritocracy must cut both ways. So, when the weather warms up and the crowds at your local courts increase, respect tennis karma and defer to those higher up the NTRP ladder. And if for some unlikely reason, you do happen to see Seles taking two-handed shadow swings behind the fence, please don’t make her get in line behind you.
Donal Lynch is a New York City-based correspondent for the Sunday Independent, a newspaper in his native Ireland. He’s been standing his ground at public courts for years now.