Keeping Tabs: June 26

There’s a schizophrenic quality to British coverage of its tennis players. Sometimes the papers and pundits hold out hope for them. When they win something—a round, a set, a game, a point, the coin toss—the press tells us that they're showing promise. After the player inevitably loses, a writer may wave goodbye by reassuring readers that there are better things to come. This was the way the Mirror described English teen Oliver Golding’s loss yesterday:

BRAVE BRIT GOLDING IMPRESSES IN UNFORTUNATE FIRST-ROUND DEFEAT

Other times, though, the papers...aren’t as kind. See the Guardian’s headline for the same match:

OLIVER GOLDING BLOWS DREAM MOMENT AGAINST IGOR ANDREEV

Two other brave U.K. hopes, Laura Robson and Andy Murray, take the court today, and take their chances to blow their own dream moments. Robson, in fact, already has, losing 6-4 in the third to Francesca Schiavone. Wimbledon—i.e., two weeks of over-the-top fanfare, tormented hope, and, in the end, reconfirmation of futility—has officially begun.

It’s a good day for tennis tab writers. I’m guessing it’s also a good day for the often esteemed, sometimes maligned, Simon Barnes at the Times of London. But I can’t find out, because the paper’s subscription system won’t let me subscribe. All I get is an error message telling me go back to the home page, where I will find many things to "inform and delight" me. I’m working on it. What’s a fortnight without the Great Ponytail to describe it for you?

Good for a Laugh
The Sun takes the direct, no-nonsense route with its main Andy Murray headline this morning:

MURRAY’S A MOANER
Davydenko wants to give Andy Murray something to really moan about today

It seems that Kolya, Muzz's first-round opponent, has been running his mouth in front of the British journalists. The guy has always been media gold, and he delivers again.

“Murray has got a back niggle,” Sun writer Steve Brenner says, “but former world No. 3 Davydenko reckons the moans and groans are just part of the Scot’s makeup. Davydenko, who plays Murray in a first-round clash today, said, ‘We just laugh sometimes.’"

“Sometimes he walks on court,” Kolya continued, “he looks tired, like he doesn’t want to run anymore, and then he runs like an animal. He’s done that all his career.”

“Maybe it’s a special Scottish thing,” Davydenko concluded, as he wondered why these English journalists cared a whit for what a Scot did. “For sure Britain is waiting to win Wimbledon. I don’t know if it will happen.”

Give Us Our Kicks!
The Independent sounds disappointed in David Nalbandian. Not because of what he did at Queen’s last week, of course, but because he didn’t do anything similar yesterday.

MEEK AND MILD NALBANDIAN GOES DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT AT WIMBLEDON

But don’t blame Nalby. According to the paper, it’s the drearily polite atmosphere at Wimbledon that caused this travesty, that kept this sporting anti-hero from expressing his true self.

“Bad boys aren’t us,” Kevin Garside claims. “Maybe it’s the civilizing influence of the All England Club that called the dissenters to order. No casualties to report on Court 1, no abuse, only a sense of anti-climax and the occasional baseline moan at a rum line call. Nalbandian cut an eviscerated figure...Those expecting tennis rollerball left disappointed.”

—Elsewhere in the Independent, Nick Bollettieri previews today’s match between Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and wildcard Lleyton Hewitt as only Nick can:

“Let me tell you straight,” Nick growls, as if there were a chance he would tell it to use any other way. “Lleyton Hewitt is the epitome of the man who gives it all and he deserves his wild card because of that. Every match he plays the guy gives everything he has got; everything is left out there on the court, every last drop. Guys like him and Michael Chang may not be the best players we have seen but I tell you they are the ones I would like to see beside me in a foxhole.”

—The paper also takes a moment to note the increased prize money—14,500 pounds—received by Potito Starace, who retired hurt after 59 minutes. “Not a bad hourly rate.”

A Secure Location
That’s where the “Nalbandian line judge,” otherwise known as Andrew McDougall, was yesterday, according to the Telegraph. It had been reported that McDougall wouldn’t officiate at Wimbledon, but apparently he was on the grounds—somewhere. “We need to protect him,” an All England official told the paper. Nalby was, of course, still on the loose.

—Telegraph columnist Jonathan Liew is determined, despite what his peers may say behind his back, to see the poetic side of opening day at the Championships:

“It is the gateway to the playground,” Liew writes, “the most marvelous playground in tennis. If this nation is in despair after the traumas of recession, football defeat, and the news that Wham may be getting back together, you’ll find precious little evidence of it here.”

That is traumatic.

Grunt Work
The schedule, the slow grass, the shrieking: These are the time-honored, never-solved issues of tennis. The latter was back in the news yesterday, as the WTA announced a new plan of action to lower the deci-belle level.

The most noteworthy element, as Doug Robson reported in USA Today, is the proposed development of a grunt-o-meter, a handheld device that umpires can use to measure noise levels on court.

WTA chief Stacey Allaster cautioned that “it’s going to take some time” to get everyone to quiet down, a notion that Martina Navratilova scoffed at.

“It’s a great idea, but speed it up,” Navratilova said. “You don’t need a year to get used to not making noise when you play tennis.”

As the Brits might say: Point. As in: She has one.

You Have to Smell It
It wouldn’t be Wimbledon without unsolicited advice from former champions. And if a champ isn't available, a former quarterfinalist will do. Today Boris Becker and Greg Rusedski weigh in on the Andy Murray situation.

“My advice for him is,” Rusedski writes in the Guardian, “don’t listen to what the media is saying about you, don’t read the newspapers and don’t turn on the TV. It’s vital to shut yourself off from the hype and criticism.”

The hype and criticism of . . . Greg Rusedski, perhaps? How exactly is Andy going to see your advice if he doesn't walk down to the local newsstand every morning and buy the Guardian, the way he does the rest of the year?

Over at the Mirror, Becker says he believes that Lendl is the right choice for Muzz, in part because, “No matter how hard [Ivan] tried, he couldn’t win Wimbledon.” You can just see the smirk of satisfaction on Boom Boom’s face as he says that, can’t you? Because, of course, it was Becker himself who kept Lendl from winning it.

No matter, Boris still believes that Lendl, Wimbledon loser or not, has a champion’s nose, and that he will help Murray “smell the moment.”

As someone who has always lacked a champ’s nose, I’m left to wonder: What will the moment smell like?