Rockin' the Crocs (OT)

With many of you heading off for Key Biscayne and the Sony-Ericsson Open with tiger strip - er, flowers? - in your hair, I thought it might be useful for first-timers and travelers through IGW (Instant Global Warming, which is what you experience when you fly from Duluth to Miami in mid-March) to have some solid tips about the best gear to take along.

Yesterday, a bunch of regular Tribe members led by Ray "Andrew and I played to a Draw!" Stonada and Steggy called me out on this Crocs thing (even Jay jumped in,  mere hours after the initial debate [that's our Jay] to mock me for wearing Tupperware on my feet). So now I feel impelled to somehow prove that I am indeed a manly man, not some deadbeat aging hippie wandering around in irradiated, glowing rubber shoes that look like they were made for Sponge Bob Squarepants (or Bill Gates).

So let me say right now that my footwear of choice is Danner boots, the best on the planet As the teaser for one of their work boots proudly proclaims: Keep High Voltage a Non-Factor on the Job Site (How cool is that?).

Their hunting boots are what I wear in the places I love most, where there's no cell signal, no Starbucks, no nothin' but Ponderosa pines, scree slopes and a Big Sky. There, I can feel hair growing on my back already!

Still. When the land is flat, the sun is hot, and sea is nearby, there's noting like dopey Crocs, although in the interest of full disclosure I must now confess that I don't actually own Crocs. The real Crocs seem to come in fluorescent colors that are painful to look at and, I imagine, even more painful to be looked at in. They also cost $29.99 (last I checked). The first pair I bought, at a Bass Pro Shop near Destin, Fla., were olive green (actually, they looked disconcertingly like a pair of matched frogs) and cost $9.99. I didn't even want them, but when I saw the gigantic sale bin, in which these poor Knock-off Crocs (KOCs) were jammed like so many dead fish, I picked up a pair for my wife, Lisa. And I figured at that price, I may as well try them myself.

Well, Lisa threw the KOCs at me and still refuses to go near them for the obvious reason: they're plug ugly. It's non-negotiable, My pleasant fantasies of taking care of Mother's Day , or her birthday, every year henceforth with a new pair of replacement KOCs (wipes hands clean) went up in acrid smoke accompanied by the smell of burning KOC rubber. Lisa's no fashionista, either. It's just that everyone draws a line in the sand somewhere. Except me. Actually, I'm more into erasing the lines than drawing them, but that's a digression.

So here's the skinny: KOCs/Crocs are comfy in a squishy way. They'r completely waterproof. They have this folding backstrap that, flipped forward, turns the KOCs into clogs (in case you're doing an impersonation of a Swedish tennis pro circa 1980, in blue jeans, white socks and clogs). But flipped back, they do an amazing job keeping your foot secured in the KOC, without you even knowing they're there. Comes in handy for fleeing the water (remember, they're waterproof!) because a giant Hammerhead shark is eying your thigh. Yeah, it's not a matter of if, but when! I think our hipster Croc-bashing Aussie contingent will given me an "affirmatory!" on that.

Being rubber, the KOCs float like corks (also comes in handy if you run out of your shoes while fleeing said Hammerhead); so it's something by which your family can remember you. They also have myriad vents.

But the best thing - by far - is that you can wear them, barefoot, in intense heat and humidity for weeks on end - and they never smell funky. It's not that I have a problem with foot odor, but the combination of fabric (leather isn't so bad, but the bathing suit with lace-up oxfords is not a great look), especially canvas or the polyesters used in running shoe liners, and sweaty, bare feet, is toxic. I don't care if you're Angelina Jolie; it's a universal law! All good reasons for rockin' the Crocs, no?

Full disclosure: I recently upgraded to the mid-range $19.99 Airwalk version of Crocs, in navy blue, and I'm eying a black pair.

So keeping your travel to sunny climes in mind, I recommend KOCs with white ankle socks (Let's have some decorum please! Or at least throw the hipsters a real curveball), and if you're bashful,  like me, the below-the-knee "clamdiggers" Steggy wrote me up for wearing are both modest and airy. Personally, I like think of them as Piratas, as I am trying to cultivate a more jaunty, swashbuckling persona these days, a la my doppelganger, Rafael Nadal.

Here's a tip on shirts: the mostly polyester, open-weave polos are to all-cotton shirts (think Chemise LaCoste) what KOCs are to casual shoes. And if you need pockets, some of the fishing-specific shirts are perfect warm-weather tennis wear - they're quick drying, with vented backs and even built-in sun and bug protection. Of course, if you're going to Miami you'll want to take sunblock, sunglasses and a good hat (we're still working on creating the official TennisWorld cap). Salt tablets? Good idea. Actually, that's a ridiculous idea, so keep it in mind.

But make sure you look at the long-range weather forecast before you go. You don't want to be caught in a cold spell without an extra layer of fleece or a jean jacket, and if you're attending night matches, you'll almost certainly want to take something like that along.

Todd and in Charge, one of TW's original Elders, has kindly agreed to answer any questions you may have about the tournament, especially logistics (do I need to rent a car? Are there restaurants near the site?  How far is Key Biscayne from South Beach, and if I go there, what are the chances that I'll meet Carlos Moya and he'll make me his TW hottie love slave?).

I'll weigh in myself if I can answer you.

We'll have more details on how to reach us (me, Steggy and other TW folks; I won't be in Miami until the 28th). We'll be publishing Ray and Andrew's Battlefield Report a little later. This will be your OT post until Friday, so have fun!