Let's Play Handicapper!

So the draw is made for the  year's first Grand Slam, and the more ambitious among you have already worked out the semifinal pairings (nice of you to not give away the final results, why ruin the suspense for the rest of us?).

Is this what is meant by "jumping the shark"?

I take a slightly different approach. Instead of fin hurdling, I like to sit back and savor the draw, kind of the way a pretentious bore at some B-level university sits back and savors his Merlot after learning that his tedious monograph on Bob Dylan's impact on the Deconstructionist movement in contemporary poetry has just been accepted for publication by the The Bonsai Arbor Review.

This was, of course, a shrewdly chosen simile (aren't they all?), because of the poetic talents and aspiration of so many of you.

So let me wean you away form those flow charts, Excel-esque spreadsheets, and ATP Tour statistical print outs and invite you to join me in a game of rhyming couplets, a slightly more family-friendly undertaking than, oh, coupling rhymes.

I'll start it off by taking on the top 16 seeded players, men and women, and you take it from there - or improve upon what I submit, which ought to be easy. Note that I am taking the seeds in the order in which they appear on the draw sheet, from the top town (that is, in the order in which they would meet fellow seeds, all other things being equal).

Roger Federer - 1:

He wears moisturizer and a spiffy cream jacket;
Nike, prepare to sew on a new racquet!

Novak Djokovic - 14:

He wins plenty of matches, and those that he loses,
Are never his fault, he's got all the excuses!

Marcos Baghdatis - 11

This hirsute lad was last years's surprise
But he's too fond of the beach and those buttery pies.

Tommy Robredo - 7

He's a flashy young gun, this Tommy Robredo
But he won't last for long on the streets of Laredo

Ivan Ljubicic - 4

He's bald and dour, and armed with good power
But Grand Slam events make him tremble and cower.

David Ferrer - 16

The spelling is close, but this guy is no Federer
To make a deep run, he'll have to get betterer

Mario Ancic - 9

He's a real chick magnet, and the pride of Croatia,
But he won't like the heat at the Grand Slam of Asia

Andy Roddick - 6

You're America's favorite, red-white-and-blue
But can your coach's backhand get transferred to you?

David Nalbandian - 8

He gives Roger the fits, and scares everybody
But when the going gets tough he's in need of a potty.

Tommy Haas - 12

Too handsome to trust, and too frequently hurt
The guy could do damage, be on the alert!

Tomas Berdych - 13

This guy's got it all, he's been touted forever
So how come the Nimrod can't get it together?

Nikolay Davydenko - 3

His game is flawless if not quite atomic*
But he gets to the semis and goes all catatonic*

James Blake - 5
*
Act like a tiger, if your name is Blake
And grab that food off Federer's plate.*

Fernando Gonzalez - 10

Make sure those windscreens are fire retardant
They don't call this dude "Gonzo" for nothing!

Andy Murray - 15
*
Under the wing of chatty Brad Gilbert,
He'll end up a champ - or wind up a filbert?*

Rafael Nadal - 2

His draw is tough, the courts are faster
Is this the makings of a Jet Boy disaster?

The Women:

Maria Sharapova - 1

Dressed in a nightie or clubbing attire
When the Slams roll around, she's always on fire

Ana Ivanovic - 13

Her tummy is plump, but she hits harder than Gotti
She reminds us all of Miss Jen Capriati

Anna Chakvetadze - 12

Under the radar, this one's got game
An endorsement for alphabet soup with that name!

Patty Schnyder - 8

Gifted but flighty, once a "can't miss"
She's a little bit weird, despite being Swiss

Kim Clijsters - 4

She says she is quitting, would rather push prams   
Kim's fast running out of ways to lose Slams

Daniela Hantuchova - 15

She once struck fear in the hearts of the stars
This unfortunate one might be from Mars

Dinara Safina - 9

Her brother Marat is more famous and older,
But here she is, seeded, while he's just a floater.

Martina Hingis - 6

A contender again, she's known for her guile
But you don't win semis on feminine wiles

Nadia Petrova - 5

Last spring she got very close to the summit
But she quickly retreated, "Let someone else do it!"

Jelena Jankovic - 11

Like Novak she's flaky, but of the first order
Must be something in that Serbian water

Shahar Pe'er - 15

Drafted in Israel, she did her duty
Now she's free, and kicking some booty

Svetlana Kuznetsova - 3

She's mellow and funny, has no use for static
So how come this sweety is so danged erratic?

Elena Dementieva - 7

The game is solid, the serve is a hole
She'd miss if she tried to throw eggs in a bowl

Nicole Vaidisova - 10
*
This girl's got game, she may win her first major
Does anyone know how IMG made her?*

Francesca Schiavone - 14
*
She's a fighter not destined to cop a Grand Slam
But what a welcome relief from all the fake glam!*

Amelie Mauresmo - 2
*
Being French, she knows her wines
But it will be champagne she's uncorking this time.*

Okay, Tribe, that's 32 down, and a mere 32 to go - and that's just the seeds. Take it away!