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by Pete Bodo
Mornin', and sheesh - when was the last time we talked about Roger Federer? You know, Swiss dude. Used to dye his hair orange. Works for some chocolate factory - Lindt, is it? Guy whose reputation was destroyed by some blogger who didn't like Federer's Wimbledon wardrobe BUT GAVE METH FREAK ANDRE AGASSI A FREE PASS!!!!!! Talk about vicious and unfair!
Yeah. That Federer.
I imagine a fair number of tennis pros who woke up this morning and checked the Internet suddenly lost their appetite for low-carb Muesli with mango and pomegranate when they saw that Federer has released his schedule for 2010, and it's loaded with 18 events. So much for the idea of putting up your feet (or getting down on the carpet to watch Sesame Street with the little ones) after you've clocked your record 15th Grand Slam title.
Call him Mr. Tennis if you like, but I'm calling the Dubai Bureau of Special Services for Women and Children to report him. No children, least of all lovely young twins, should be abandoned by their father. Statistic show that later in life, children raised by Slovak women who have been tennis pros are at-risk for addiction to Jonas Brothers CDs.
Federer will begin his assault on the Grand Slam. . . Wait a minute. There's nothing for the guy to assault - unless you count Davis Cup, that wacky little event with two appendixes and remnants of a prehensile tail. And he's clearly not into that. 34-32 in the fifth set against some no name Equadorian - who needs it? The only thing Federer seems to have penciled into the time slot occupied by Davis Cup week 1, between the Australian Open and the Indian Wells Masters 1000 event, is a home court appearance in Dubai.
By then, Federer ought to have mastered Arabic; he's playing Abu Dhabi (starting Christmas Eve; I have a feeling they won't have a Creche at the airport), Doha, and, after a quick side trip to Melbourbe, Australia, Dubai. Hey, somebody's got to pay for all those onesies, right? And let's face it, why square off against Rafael Nadal on Spanish clay with all those kings and princes looking on when you could just go and beat up on Andy Roddick and Novak Djokovic under the appreciative gaze of mega-rich sheiks who don't get this whole "fifteen-love" thing anyway?
This year, there will be no drive-by appearance in Monte Carlo (to hail with all those PR guys from the watch company - tell them I'm out of the office!). Federer will begin his big push to add another French Open bauble to the trophy cas. . . warehouse. . . in Rome.
Why Rome? Ever had the pasta in the player lounge there? 'Nuf said. Then it's on to Estoril, Madrid and Roland Garros. Why Estoril? Ever had to work off a week of pasta, available 24/7, for free? 'Nuf said.
After visiting Roland Garros, Federer will spend some quality time with Gerry Weber (I think he's the guy who invented the barbecue grill; you know, that cheap thing that wobbles like crazy on those aluminum legs and plastic wheels). He'll also swing by Wimbledon to pick up his seventh - or is it 11th, or 15th? - title. You do tend to lose track after a while.
It appears that the lure of corn dogs and beer pong is one that Federer can resist. He's not going anywhere near Indianapolis, but he'll play Toronto, a northern suburb of Detriot, Mich., and Cincinnati (just to rub the noses of those hicks down in Indy a little further into it). He's going to arrive in New York in a litter, wearing a fez, and a Nehru jacket emblazoned with somewhere between 15 and 18 buttons depicting Greek gods (the number depends on how things work out in Melbourne, Paris and London). The names of the six lucky litter bearers will be drawn out of a hat, with every one of the ATP Top Twenty having an equal chance to be picked!
A few weeks after that, Federer will set sail for Shanghai, hoping he might meet Madonna (I hear she's making a sequel, the first one was so good!). He'll finish the year up in Basel and Bercy. According to his representatives at IMG, Federer was on the fence about Bercy, until he learned that the French Tennis Federation is building a new stadium for the event. It will be a 450-foot bust of Federer; ticket holders will enter through the "It's A Pity" portal cleverly built into the mouth. Plans to have a corporate hospitality lounge in each nostril have forced the architects to eliminate the planned nose hairs, for the sake of ticket-holder comfort. The court will, in effect, exist in the space occupied by the brain pan in the typical human being's head.
Then, at the Tennis Master's Cup, the ATP is planning a special ceremony to honor Federer. Special guests will include a dancer who appeared in the late Michael Jackson's Thriller video and has gone on to win a seat in Germany's parliament. Also, Federer's wife and their two daughters. A tele-prompter will be available, should Federer need to be reminded of their names, Wimby and Meadow.
My advice to everyone else on the ATP Tour? Throw that granola and fruit into the trash and get yourself a big fat bacon, egg and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel.
What difference does it make?
Oh, and in late-breaking news: Federer also plans to compete on the F-1 racing circuit this year, driving in every race but the Sebastapol Grand Prix, for Team Kia.
PS - Those of you who choose to drift into high dudgeon may now do so. Talk about whatever you like below.